no matter what…

a most enjoyable concert…我享受，我喜欢，我爱，因为他是庾澄庆。
so no matter what…i will still enjoy…with all my heart…

thank you, sweet lcm, for treating me to the performance…

 

today…it never rained leh…

today…it never rained leh…kns…anyway…

(1) had my first nutrition exam…ooh…within an hour…can finish lah, duration a bit tight…so that’s how the exam is like…ok, got experience liao…know what to expect for the future papers…
went back to hjc to took my test…cos my “exam supervisor” over there mah…the good old school…that was like almost 15 years ago liao loh…

(2) finally bought the CD which i have been wanting to buy…joanna wang’s “start from here”…
the other time got it from ht to listen…and immediately fell in love with the music…

“giving up
why should i
have come too far to forget
beautiful
just got lost
somewhere along the way”

“we don’t need a finish line
let’s take this chance
don’t think too deep
all those promises we couldn’t seem to keep
i don’t care where we go
let’s start from here”

(3) while waiting for sister wind, me very hungry, so went to wang cafe at plaza sing, bought a cup of tea and mee siam and sat down at one cosy corner…reading my nice beijing guide book, and “bio-ed” a number of places i must go and eat…so excited…
i have always preferred chinese travel guides cos i feel they go more in depth, with personal touch…and lots of fotos to see…previously i was reading the english guides for beijing…din really feel anything, but the moment i started to read the 2 chinese guides i bought not long ago, i got so excited, and the food! yes, the food! i can’t wait to try all of those recommended ones!

(4) went to 2902 gallery, which i have heard about it for quite some time liao…there were some travel presentations…lucky got sister wind went with me…dunno all the pple there mah…

big and spacious man…

sister wind trying to figure out what “2902″ means…

this looks big yeah? but…

i couldn’t reach out to both sides of the wall leh…

this angle leh? also impossible leh…

well…it’s really big and spacious…

finally…let’s walk down this long flight of steps bah…

 

等待…

 

a day’s activity…”re-posted@8.11pm”

=PART 1=
hehehe…
i did not go to office again today…since no project assigned to me yet…
and since the weather today wasn’t too bad…i went to the pool…
ooh…at around 3+pm, i had the pool all to myself leh…
no one to fight the space with me…
i swam my usual target of 20 rounds…
was thinking if i should continue…cos i wasn’t sure if i would be able to catch the 4.15pm movie…
anyway, i decided to get out of the pool and had a quick bath…
looked at the time: 4.08pm…
ooh…seemed like i could make it in time wor…
quickly walked over to the cinema, bought a ticket, and when i sat down, the movie started!
very good timing!
and the show was nice, even though there was a lot of bloodshed and quite 煽情…but i think i like the show, it’s very real…i am glad i did not miss the show…
and 陈可辛, once again, proved that he had done it…

3.20pm – 3.50pm: swam for 20 rounds in a pool that belonged to me!
3.50pm – 4.08pm: washed up
4.17pm – 6.15pm: watched 投名状 The Warlords

=PART 2=
ooh…suddenly remembered the conversation i had with a JC old fren last nite…
met up with him for dinner, as he is always stationed overseas for months before coming back to home…
we talked about travel, about work, about frens, about the times in JC…
and also about changes…
he said basically my character is still the same but there is one part i have changed…
以前的我比较硬…尤其在碰到不喜欢或不爽一件事的时候…
但现在的我肯定比较soft了…
也许所有人都是一样的吧…经过岁月的磨练，尖的都会变得比较圆一点…

we also talked about the so called “clique” groups within our big group…cos there is these 3 gals who were and still are quite together…and me in the past used to be more with 2 other gals (we 3 from the same secondary school)…but even so…the other 2 also more “cliqued” to each other while i was more like the “3rd party”…

he said, from the first time he knew me, and throughout the JC life…he always felt that i was like a 独行侠…and till now he still has this image of me…
when he said that…i was quite surprised, cos i really did not know he actually had and still has this impression of me…

hmm…so, i really did give others such an impression…
cos not only that JC “used-to-be-my-brother” mentioned that i 独来独往…now i recalled a classmate of mine also wrote in my autograph something like that: 一个人独来独往…

想想也是…我的确还算是个独行侠…
就算是在公司里我也还挺是这样一个人 leh…

in conclusion, PART 1 and PART 2 的内容其实还真有点关联…
我在写 PART 1 的时候，并没有要写 PART 2 的打算…
可是在 posted my entry 之后，突然想起昨晚的交谈…
写完之后，更发现这两段之间所提到的“主题”其实是相似的…
老实说，我原本真的是忘了昨晚的内容喔…

原来有好多小事情是不知不觉地从你身边划过，然后又在你不经意的时候回来提醒你一下…

 

my 1st day of 2008…

woke up around 10am…
then started reading abit of the nutrition book i borrowed from the library…trying to know more about the vitamins and minerals before i really start on a new course…(guess very high chance i will take up a course lah…)
and then, went out to yck to play tennis with 3 other frens…
long time no play tennis liao…but alas…started to rain abit after playing for around 45min…
sianz…

below is an excerpt from a blog: http://cloudywindz.blogspot.com/

‘结婚证书上的每一个字都有“责任”这个沉重的东西牵着。男人既然已经承诺了要让女人幸福，他就应该克服所有的诱惑来完成这个一辈子的任务。’

老实说…虽然我并不是一个在情场上拥有丰富经历的人…但听和读到的故事真是太多太多了…

男女之间的感情到底有多少成分是真的？
即使现在相爱，什么时候又会变成毫不相干的两个人呢？

是，我是悲观的…
我不否认，以前，我会时不时望着我的“好友”(我想现阶段这是一个非常适当的称呼)， 心里面想着我有那么地幸运吗？想着我能相信眼前的一切吗？想着什么时候我们两个人会变成不是男女朋友？

我不知道我这算不算是一种矛盾的心理：我并不介意结婚，但我始终不是很相信婚姻…我一直想着结婚后的两个人真的能永远专心地对待彼此吗？

也许我所谓的要求高，不是高在那些外在条件，而是高在要求一份专一的心吧？
还是两个人在一起，其实真的不能要求太多…因为人生一点也不简单…

 

没有纪念日的爱情…

我很喜欢这句话：
没有纪念日的爱情…
是我突然间很有灵感想出来的一句话…

这句话包含了我心中的遗憾，也欠缺了对方对这一天发自内心的主动…

随着2007年12月30日的结束，这一份遗憾永远都会是个遗憾…

 

今天…情人节

went to fish leong 今天情人节 concert last nite…

now i know why she is being called the “情歌天后”…cos the lyrics of her songs reflect 女人的心声…

如果爱上一个人的笑容
应该怎样去收藏
应该怎样去拥有

每一次听到”勇气”，我都会感动…
只要你一个眼神肯定
我的爱就有意义
a tear drop found its way down my face…sigh…

so, anyway, last night i wore the below outfit…hehehe…

the black boots cost only S$20+, bought in hongkong…aiyo…there got SOOOOOOOOO MANY varieties of boots!!!

been a bit more adventurous in my dressing recently…
some other clothes i had worn:

 

Lalit

since today is a new day of the new year, was trying to “force” myself to clear up my room a bit…or rather TRY to throw away things that are no longer useful (which i already foresee is a damn hard thing cos basically 我还是那个不舍丢弃东西的人…tsk tsk…)

and then came across a piece of paper with below written on it…

“他一直都是个很令我感动的人。
如果不是因为文化的差异、语言的障碍，再加上他已婚的事实，我想我真的会毫无顾虑地喜欢上他。
他绝对疼爱他的老婆。
令人感动的是当他把一条红色的布细细地拆开，里头竟然就是他老婆的照片。
如此小心翼翼地随身带着老婆的照片，怎不令人觉得他就是个好丈夫呢？”

that was Lalit from Nepal…a Shepherd guide…i got to know him when i went to nepal in 1997… (and goodness!!! i just realised that was like 9+ years ago!!!)

i recalled a mini 文章 i had written about him long long time ago:

“I will never forget Lalit. He is a cook and a Sherpa. But sometimes he will work part time as an assistant trekking guide. He is very nice, friendly but shy. I was first attracted to him when he kept smiling at me. His very wide smile was what that struck me. We got along quite well.

There was this nite when it was very cold, he held my hands in his, rubbing them, trying to provide me the warmth i needed.

Another time when we were going up Poon Hill very early in the morning, maybe bcos of the low temperature, my camera got “frozen”. Naturally i was disappointed, as i wasn’t able to take any photos of the sunrise with my own camera. Lalit immediately took my camera and used his scarf to wrap around it. Though it didn’t really help much, but i truly appreciate his efforts.

On my last day before the whole group of us set off for the airport, i suddenly felt pain in my stomach. He was really worried and concerned about me, and kept asking how i felt.

My frens kept teasing me during the trip. But for me, i think he is a fren whom i will never forget. He is already married, and he told me that he intends to have lots of kids, to form a soccer team! He loves his wife a lot, why? cos he puts his wife’s photo in a handkerchief and treats it with care.

In my mind, he will always be the good man, a nice and sensitive guy.

Wish him happiness.”

around 2 years ago, i was back in nepal due to work…and i met up with him…he had 2 daughters…he still remembered me, however, i felt that he was somewhat changed…比较没有以往那种纯朴的感觉了…也许是因为生活的磨练…也许是因为被城市化了…也许是因为拥有比较好的经济环境而不再有简单的生活要求…

平凡生活中不就是也有太多太多的也许吗？

 

原来

其实看回我以前写过的东西，会有点纳闷原来我以前的思绪是那么地交叉。也许在那时，环境的因素让我无从适从，只能通过文笔发泄一切我心中的澎湃。老实说，我现在哪还会/能写出这样的东西？随着这些年来反复被现实、被忙碌吞噬着，那种曾经充满着怨的心态只能留给过去了。也可能如今的生活都平稳了，也没什么脑筋去怨这骂那的。既来之、则安之地过着每一天的生活仿佛就是对过去的一种交待。

原来 以前我心中怀有个小小的梦想：希望能和心中的伴侣一起环游世界。
原来 它搁浅在心中的一个小小角落，使得我暂时遗忘了它。
原来 我还以为我已经没什么理想或梦想可言。
原来 梦想这种东西，当你许久都没去想它时，它就会悄悄地退居幕后，藏在一个暗暗的角落，等待你某一天来翻找东西的时候， 再不小心地于你面前亮相。
原来 梦想这种东西，其实它一直都很想当主角，却因为时机，只能当个落寞的英雄。
原来梦想是那么孤单的。

 

自言自语

很多时候，我们其实都在自言自语，脑子里、笔杆下, 只是没什么机会让别人听到我们的自言自语， 甚至是自己面对自己的自言自语。如果有一天，我们都把一生的自言自语给凑合起来，那就是我们一生的自述了。自言自语其实就代表了我们个人的想法，思想、行为，最真实的自己。

我想这不应该是日记了。因为所谓日记是记载日常发生的事件。 我应该称它为“心录”了，因为心情的涟漪而产生的感觉。

其实王家卫的电影是对的。我们独自一个人时是最自己的时候，脑子里头所想的，都是我们的自述。因为必须面对自己，所以我们才会觉得寂寞。

23/01/2000

********************

I don’t like the 9-6 timing. I really feel restricted. I prefer a more flexible schedule, and I know I will still do my work even if there is no boss watching over me. I just don’t want to be constrained by the time, yah 9am, I have to reach the office, and then, oh I am looking forward to 6pm. I don’t want to feel this way. In the past, I just have this feeling that I don’t like the 9-6 timing, but now that I am in the job, 不止肯定了我的想法，我甚至有了些新的感觉。我其实是不会介意一整天投入工作，只要 I have full control of the time, I can do my work at my own pace, and I know I will never delay my work, I will keep to the due date. This is my ideal work style.

07/05/1996

********************

9am, I dread going to work. 6pm, I am so relieved to leave the office. This is not what I should be feeling, but it’s a fact now. I have told Michael I am not keen on writing, but it’s as if I have not told him like that. I don’t like to mingle with Sam and ST, but somehow we are stationed in the same room. I don’t like being locked up in an office from 9am to 6pm, but that’s what I am experiencing now. I feel damn so restricted!!! I have to find out other means. I also have to look for more $$$. I have a lot of problems and I dunno how to go about solving them. This is life. House got problem, $$$ got problem, career got problem, face got problem……so many things else. And what am I expected to do??

24/05/1996

********************

星期六，我被人批评我没有办事能力。我，一个Business grad 什么都不会，什么都要等人叫。其实那个人讲些什么，我并不是很在乎。虽然他说的话有些是有道理，但他有他的想法，他的beliefs，我有我的。常常都有人误解我，我也习惯了。我在乎的是怎样才能达到我的目的，得到我真正想要的东西。

我给人误解成我为 LTA project frustrated, but I am frustrated by a lot of other things. I don’t want to work in an air-con office from 9am to 6pm, I don’t want to idle around, with nothing concrete to do. Come to think of it, I have never stayed in an air-con room for so long, for so many days, I hate air-con. I feel so restricted. I don’t want to be kept inside a room. I feel locked up.

那个 Kit 说话有时也很bombastic, I don’t understand what he meant by “Where’s your integrity?” 我当然有我的integrity definition, 他是他，我是我。我自己的integrity不是由他来决定的。他可以继续有他的想法，我不管。我兴趣不在那儿，逼我也没用，我是做不出我的最好。

我跟Producers’ Room 里的那三个从外国留学回来的人是合不来的。我也没必要强迫自己去和他们相处。他们心中已经有个steadfast的belief: NUS students are incapable, NUS students are uninitiative.

27/05/1996

********************

我相信我有一天会有一间房子、一个理想的事业、一个志同道合的爱情和一个环游世界的美梦的实现。

07/09/1996

********************

我从来都不曾相信老天会待我很好。我还记得在X初时老刘帮我们三个人算命时，那时我突然有个非常强烈的想法：QM是最幸运的，CP会是最幸福的，而我是她们的相反。真的，不是我消极或什么，我的感觉向来很少错的。

23/09/1996

********************

也许我很早就对友情失去信心了。其实带点点失望。也不知如何形容，但我也不是要求很多，起码我只是想我最好的知己打个电话来问候我一声。每一回都是我打去，真觉得累。别人我不会要求，因为我并不在乎，但知己不同，可是知己最后却也变得跟别人一样。我想我短期里不会再大给她了。我以前就已经说得没错了：她不再有那种专心了，当然除了在爱情方面之外。

我终究是个惯于独来独往的人，也许是天性，也许是惰性， 也许更是命中注定。我不会那么轻易与别人亲近。我依旧是那个不很多话的人。 我会继续独来独往，这是我的性格，也是我的际遇。我从来不觉得我会有好运过幸福的日子。因为我的思想、我的固执、我的矛盾、我的不甘心。从小我就知道了。没有人可以驯服我这只野马的，因为我脾气倔强。如果真有那么一天，有人能驯服我，那么我真的是跟定他了。

我越来越懒了。
越来越不想面对现实。

13/10/1996

********************

没想到友情真的永远都斗不过时间。3个人当中，竟然没有人提出一起拍毕业照。我又何必强求？我不再相信友情了。当我一知道我会得到什么答案，我又何必去浪费时间呢？于是我懒了。懒是我的借口。忙是她们的理由。忙和生活中其他更重要的事可以成为这么厉害的理由，我还有什么话可说？

离开校园这么久，我真的已习惯独人的生活。
算了，算了。人生就是这许多的无奈。
曾有的友情逝去就是逝去了，怎么拉也拉不回了。对我来说，有无朋友已无所谓了。我比以前更加被动了。我甚至不管了。我懒得打电话，懒得联络朋友，一切在我看来似乎都很无谓。
以前的我太执著了，其后遗症就是现在的不在乎。

Moonwalkers 已各自分散了。Moonwalkers 不再 walk on the same ground. Moonwalkers 已成为walkers separated. 我不再寄予什么希望了。我这只野马已和她们脱离了。她们有她们的生活，我有我自己的路奔驰。

不知哪一天，那些名字都会越来越陌生。我也会离她们越来越远。

14/10/1996

********************

三姨终于开口要我们搬了，既然我们住得那么不开心，这是她说的理由。其实发生这样的事，谁都没错。没有所谓的对或错，命运安排如此。
但她明知道我们没钱，这时候提出来，有点在赶我们走的意思。
我很累，我真的须要一个属于自己的家。真的很烦，每次都为这样的事而烦。多希望能远离一切的一切。

两家人是不可能生活在一起的。无论如何，都会有磨擦。咱们两家是长年累月累积下来的。很难救回来的。

老天！你究竟要我怎么样？我去哪里找钱来买屋子？
我们已成了寄生虫！
老天，你似乎一点都不可怜我，反而觉得我罪有应得，是吗？什么不好的事都压在我身上。这么多年了，你也该玩够了吧？玩得我这样，你很过瘾吗？玩得我无所适从，天天消极，你很爽，是吗？
我又不是贪钱的人。我只是希望有足够的钱立一个安乐窝，一个栖身之所罢了。要求会过分吗？
香港回归了。何时轮到我们“回归”呢？

01/07/1997

********************

Why do we travel? We travel in part because the human race was born nomadic. Movement has been an essential part of all human existence…but most people have become settled…But dreams of other places, of a freer existence, are never far from our minds, and travel is the greatest symbol of such dreams, dreams that we had as children, imagining ourselves out in the wide world having adventures we were sure would be part of our lives when we were old enough to set off on our own.

Travel breaks through the crust of old experience and reawakens us to the joys, mysteries and miracles of everyday life.

Travel is a blessing.

2000年

********************

但愿10年后，我们还保有这份热忱。。。
10年内可以发生许多事。。。环境、事物可能变了许多，但人也有可能无什么变化。Irene已是2 kids的妈了，最没什么变的人依然是我。习惯终究难改，曾经是这样，永远是这样。

2000 年的4月1日，我们4人之约终于到了。在莱佛士塑像前合影，它仿佛见证了我们4人的成长过程。它周围的建筑已变了，但它依然屹立在那儿。就如我们4人的友情，本质还是没变的。虽然大家的环境都起了变化。16岁与26 岁的心境还剩多少是相同的？十年的心情又怎能如此简单地由时间来判断呢？16岁，26岁，10年后的36岁的我们又是怎样的？

2000年

********************

其实有很多旧的东西，我是应该，也可以丢弃了。但我终究是舍不得，是我念旧的心态在作怪吗？从小学至今的每一张卡片，不管是生日卡、贺年卡、圣诞卡，我都还收着，一直都不想丢，忍不下心啊！虽然当中有许多朋友是已没有再联络了。

这样子念旧是不好的，太多以前的东西堆积起来，浪费了很多空位，就好比占据了身心的极大部分，埋得密密的，等到被掀起时，却一发不可收拾。

2000年

********************

因迟睡而无意看了《黄金年华》的重播，妈妈要看的。刚好谈到的是爱情，有个已结婚51年的老伯表达了对老婆的爱意。这样长的一段感情的确是很难得的。我觉得老妈子看了一定很有感触。她一生命就不是很好，我3岁时，她就开始守寡。老爸在世时又不是很长进，既好赌又好烟，脾气又坏，结果因为抽烟而断送了性命。老妈的婚姻生活老实说真的没什么好提的。是否间接地影响了我的心态？我总觉得我在姻缘这回事方面会和老妈很相似。我一直都不相信我会有这么好的福气。可以说我是没有信心吗？

2000年